Reflection...

My reflection for this semester, to say the least, is not a good one. I have decided not to come back next semester. I read over this week’s blogging assignment a few times, and I honestly wasn’t sure how I was not going to make this about Southern Connecticut State University.  I guess I simply don’t like it here.  I have herd over and over again that a person’s success in college does have to do with the school they choose to go to. So I’m not blaming Southern for my unhappiness here, it just Southern and I are not meant to be. Let me make this 100% clear though. This is my decision, and I am happy with it. I am not blaming anyone.

            Early this year I tried out for the field hockey team here at Southern, and I made it. From that day on, it was like my choice was already made up for me. Going to Southern was what my mom wanted me to do, so I did. I am not blaming my mom, I have free will to make my own choices, it just so hard to say no to her. Obviously I want to make her proud and win her approval, and if I don’t do what she thinks is right she looks at me like I’m the biggest disappointment in her life. I know my mom only wants what is best for me, but I don’t think she knows what that is. My mom is the main reason why I chose to come to Southern. I came to Southern with an open mind, don’t get me wrong, I did try to make this work. I really do wish I were cut out for college. But the fact is I have never enjoyed school, so I was really counting on field hockey making it worth it, just like in high school.  I went to school every day in high school and kept my grades up so I could play field hockey. I did not have a good high school experience; I had very little friends, enough to count on one hand. Field hockey was what got me through high school. But here, field hockey was horrible. The coaches don’t care about you, only how you affect the team. The team is very cliquey and not welcoming. I dreaded going to practice everyday. Being told that I sucked when I had won enough awards and honors to know that don’t, was just down right frustrating. And to top it off, I am not even getting any money to go through my own personal hell.

            One of my goals here was to find a group of friends, witch I failed at. Having no friends makes me more miserable. It’s embarrassing to walk alone, eat alone, study alone. I go days without talking to anybody. I am completely alone here and it’s horrible. I don’t blame anyone but myself. I have always been the weird girl. People have looked at me like I have three heads so many times that I have taken myself out of social interactions, I avoid them at all means possible. I’ve done this for so many years that now I don’t know what to say, I’m so caught up in what people will think about me. So I end up sitting there, not saying anything, which of course, by default, makes me the weird girl. I know I need to work on this in order to be happy anywhere. It’s hard with family’s “just do it” attitude, but my boyfriend is very supportive of me. He knows how I get around crowds, and in social environments he never leaves my side and always makes a point to include me in the conversation. I know with the support I get from him I’ll be able to create new relationships with people again.

            One thing I learned about myself here is that when I’m upset, for a long time, all I want to do is sleep. I know I have never slept this much in my life. Despite my effort to do work, and I really did do work, I would fall asleep in the middle of it, waking up hours later. I couldn’t help myself. The one place however that my new sleeping habit changes is at home, partly because my mom doesn’t allow anyone to sleep past nine, but mostly because I’m happy there. I don’t feel as tired there, like sleeping is the only way I’ll make it through the day. I want to get up and do stuff. I only have one life, and instead of wasting what little time and money I have for a degree that gut tells me I am never going to use, I’d rather be somewhere that I’m happy, surrounded by people that make me happy, even if that means I have to work my ass of for the rest of my life never seeing retirement.

            So my plan for now is; I am going to take next semester off and work. Next fall I am going to attend Middlesex Community College, because I am not stupid, I know I need at least an associate’s degree if I want to achieve anything now a day. After I finish with that, I don’t know. But I like not knowing; my whole life has been part of my mom’s plan and I usually get anxious not knowing what she wants me to do next. But the fact is, it’s my life and I’m going to live it the way I see fit. Not knowing what I am going to do next brings a little mystery back into the world. I hope to open my own photography business someday. I want travel, to see the world. There are so many options I can choose from, so many paths I can walk down, that it just feels wrong to choose one at my very young age, and stick to it. I am going to go where life takes me, doing whatever I want ate the time I want it. I am so excited to start living life.