This week I went out with a group of girls. I know this might sound easy for most of you, but for someone with a social anxiety disorder, it’s quite a bit out of my comfort zone. I was diagnosed with social anxiety when I was 13. When I’m in a group of people larger then 2, (not including myself), I shut down. I get caught in my head, thinking about what to say, how to say it, and when I should say it. And by the time I built enough confidence to say it, the time has already passed and the other people have already moved onto another topic. I used to be real bad, I’d get claustrophobic, and it would get hard to breath, and I would have to leave the room, before I started hyperventilating. But I’ve gotten a lot better since then.
I spent most of high school in my room, alone, because that was comfortable for me. So when I got to college, I swore to myself that I would become more comfortable being with a group of people. Practice makes perfect, right? So this past Saturday was my last field hockey game, and a group of girls invited me out to celebrate. It was a group of six of us, and even though I was nervous and shacking in the beginning, they made it really easy for me. They talked to me, asked me question and included me in the conversation, when most people forget I’m there. Before I knew it, I wasn’t hesitating to say anything, because they didn’t have any remark if I said something stupid, like imagine people to do. They laughed along with me, instead of at me. And on top of it, they invited me out again later this week.
Even though going out was scary at first, and bailing did cross my mind more than once, I feel very accomplished by facing my fear. Even if these girls don’t become my best friends, it’s a start. Maybe next time I wont take as long to open up and talk.
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